Yesterday was my actual birthday. I've had five gatorades in the past 24 hours and zero hangovers thankyouverymuch.
I have no air conditioning in my apartment. There are bars on my windows so the back end of the air conditioner could not and would not be able to fit between the windows and those bars. Deal with it. I have.
So I went to Duane Reade this morning to buy another fan... or I'm sorry... another "wind machine" to kick up the circulation in this motherfucker, and on my way back, a herd of construction workers stared at me like I was a female bombshell in a red dress - or really even just any level of attractive female - they'll stare at anyone, it's amazing. So as I cradled my brand new "wind machine" in my arms and walked past them, fielding their gazes, feeling embarrassed but secretly liking it a little but still being able to complain to all of my friends that these construction workers were sexually harassing me but really just using that as a way to tell my friends that people think I'm pretty and hey let's go get a drink, one of the construction workers yelled out "HEY! WHERE ARE YOU TAKING THAT!?".
They all laughed as they beaded sweat on this 92 degree new york sauna shit show.
"HOME!" I said.
And then it happened. "No. But seriously. Where'd you get that?" They all got silent and stared at me like I was Jesus and I had just gotten back from the magic shop.
I stopped. Which, in New York, if you've lived here for more than 3 minutes the second lesson you learn when a stranger has a question is do not stop. The first is that you can use the bathroom at Starbucks without buying a God Damn thing.
I looked at him like I was the dorky kid in school who was always used to getting picked on so he was always on the defense and then you'd say something normal to him like "Hey - Can I borrow a pencil?" and he'd look at you with this suspicious look like you might have just insulted him but he wasn't sure but he didn't want to let you know that he wasn't sure so he just looked confused and then you were like "Harvey. Can. I have. A pencil." and then he'd finally give you one. I squinted. That's what I'm saying. I started walking away and I squinted.
I ran in, plugged in my new wind machine and realized I was on to something big. Something really big.
So I placed my first order. 100 personal mini pocket battery operated hand held fans. These ones aren't customized because it was balls million dollars cheaper to get them plain, so I think I'm going to have a fun little night in with a bottle of red wine and my label maker when the shipment arrives.
This is the beginning of my 26th year.